My Road, My Life

I set my work lap top down, lean back in my creaky wooden chair, and take a deep breath. My San Francisco flat feels extra cozy today. I peer out the window at our makeshift “garden” that I’ve convinced myself I’ve played a crucial role in grooming, and realize I haven’t taken a rake or hoe to it since the day the Giants won the World Series. But even so, I notice that the grass appears a few shades greener and livelier than it did on that magical Sunday nearly three months ago. As I zone out, watching the long blades of grass dance in the breeze, I start to wonder how much credit I really deserve on maintaining that garden and making it grow… or whether it simply takes care of itself as part of nature that it is- that although its essence stays the same as blades of grass, it will continue, as it always has, to change with the seasons- its shape, its form, its color, as well as its age, regardless of how much effort I do or do not exert. Maybe it is meant to stay wild and un-tamed. And I also think that maybe it is more beautiful this way.

It is almost noon and I am done with work for the day. In 12 hours I will be bringing in the new year in a little red dress, a glass of champagne- (who am I kidding, it will probably be Makers Mark), and a toast to the beginning of a fresh year. True to form, I tend to reflect in moments like this. As the moments close in on a transformation into a new year, I can’t help but reflect on my own transformation.

I have always been a bit of a firecracker. Since I was a little girl, I’ve seen the world as my oyster and the possibilities endless. I’ve never accepted the idea that life simply “happens” to us; I understand that we are all dealt a different hand in life and are all de-railed by a host of situations and circumstances. I understand the inevitability of sacrifice. This is a part of life. However, I’ve always refused to settle on the belief that I have do something simply because I’m told, or because that is the “norm” in our society. In other words, I think life is far too short and precious for us to be doing anything other than what we truly desire in our hearts.

I have experienced a lot of happiness and my fair share of pain. I have accomplishments I am proud of, and I have also made mistakes. I have been a lot of places and there are still so many places I want to go. I have seen people with endless amounts of money and sad souls. I have seen people with barely enough money to make it through the day, yet there is a bright light radiating from behind those unyielding eyes. I have seen so much beauty in this world that it is overwhelming. Sometimes, I feel so much gratitude I can’t possibly wrap my arms around it tight enough.

I think back to where I was last year at this time, and I can’t help but smile at how much has changed, how much I’ve grown, and how much has remained relatively the same. In no particular order…

I’ve held down my first “real job” for over a year now. I work at an awesome company that just got acquired by the big dog in the industry. It’s been an amazing experience and I’ve learned a lot that I’m excited to take with me. I’ve had more fun at this “real job” than I ever thought was possible in a work environment. I have also discovered what I do not want to become.

I’ve become a Yellow Chord in Capoeira. When I first saw Capoeira being played on the streets of Ecuador, I fell in love with it.. the music, the beauty and subtlety in the movements, the hard work, the patience, the endurance, the Brazilian culture. I loved it and wanted to be a part of it. And that I did.

I moved to San Francisco in a great house near Golden Gate park. I have two awesome roommates and two bastard cats named Julius and Caesar who show up in our yard now and again.

I read several books by Paulo Coehlo- his words are food for my soul and inspire me every time.

I took control of cutting toxicity out of my life, whether this in the form of “stuff” or people. I’ve embraced the idea that just because somebody wants me in their life, by no means do I need to be. I want good people in my life with good intentions who care about me. And I want to be the same to them. If somebody is not meeting these requirements, I will not keep them around.

I became financially stable. (hooray!)

My heart was broken.. or so I thought. And then I woke up one day and realized nothing was broken at all, simply released. Through this came a lot of lessons. For this one, I truly couldn’t be more grateful.

I’ve recognized the nature of impermanence, and the beauty and blessing beheld.

I met about 25 Vickerys in Bend, Oregon- 2nd all the way to 5th cousins. And they are fabulous!

I spent several days in Red River, New Mexico with the girls who I consider to be the loves of my life as far as friendship goes (TLFL). I watched my good friend get married to the love of her life and I felt so happy for her.

I had my highschool reunion which confirmed my beliefs that our essence doesn’t ever really change, just the seasons.

Cutting toxicity out of my life has allowed for more room. I’ve made some great new friends.

I found somebody who I completely adore. I also love his dog.

This is just a taste. But all in all, I can say this year has been a great one, and I look forward to the next. As for what I hope to accomplish in 2013, I’ll save for another time, or maybe just for myself. But I can say this: I am so thankful for everyone who has helped shape me into who I am today. I know that I have so much to learn and many changes to make. I still have many un-quenched thirsts… But today, in this moment, I feel fulfilled.

I plan to continue to challenge myself and to live life deeply, never on the surface. To follow my heart and embrace the change that comes with the seasons. In many ways, I relate to those wild blades of grass dancing in the breeze outside my window…